One of the biggest drawbacks of being a working mother??
We are forever on a journey….the guilt trip. The never-ending lowly feeling of being an inadequate mother, always chastising ourselves to do better!! Even though, we already put in our best. We are our worst enemy. So no reprieve for us.
All this is leading somewhere, isnt it? Yup, you guessed it.
RS and SS are down with cold. I dont generally worry about a common cold if the babies have runny noses (that indicates that the cold is on its way out!).
But RS was not really doing well. Apart from the cold, she also had an upset tummy. So she not only threw up her dinner, she cried non-stop because of the unease caused by her stomach as well as the cold. No amount of cuddling, pacifying was enough to calm her . She did sleep with her head on my shoulder and me walking back and forth around the house. But the minute I laid her down, her vocal chords would come alive.And how!!
I spent the night nursing a sick baby till 4:30 am this morning. After which, she was too exhausted to cry.And I was too exhausted to stay awake (For people wondering what the BF was up to during this time, let me tell you, he was busy trying to make SS sleep, since the boy kept on waking up when he heard his sister wailing). I woke up late. An hour late. Had to rush to office. There was a call to attend at 9:30 AM. Obviously, I couldn’t make it. So just called office to say that I’ll be turning in late.
The twins were by then, quite their chirpy self. Running around the house and playing with their toys. I left the house before the kids could see me. As soon as I reached the parking, the BF called to say that the twins had a mild fever and where could he find the drops for it.
In that split second, my mind went into such a turmoil. What should I do? Stay back home? Goto office? Just call up and say that I wont be coming? Apply for half-day? What….???
I know that the kids are in much better hands with the GMIL. And I want to keep my leaves for when I really need it. For them. At that very moment, MIL called from her school. She wanted to ask if she should take a leave and come back home. I assured her that the fever was just because of the cold and the kids will be fine.
I know she had the same doubts/worries that now plague my mind. I know it’s just a common cold. And once they have their drops, the kids will most likely sleep through the day. That leaves me with very little to do at home. So I came to office. And am guilt ridden since.
At this particular moment, it’s so easy to think of giving up everything I have worked towards. To give up years of education. Years of experience. Knowledge. Expertise.Everything. Just to be with them.
I know that if I quit right now, years down the line, I will regret the decision.
But what about the regret I live with every minute. Right now, as I type?!
It’s not easy. Really. This motherhood thing.
I shudder to think what my mom must have gone through….living alone with 4 children and dad posted in far outskirts of the country!!!
*Counting my blessings*
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