It was the twins birthday on the 18th of Nov. And I started writing them a letter…..to let them know how this last one year has been for me and the BF. I wrote this post 4 times. And each time I had to delete major chunks of it.
Mostly, because I got so carried away with the sentiments and all that I had to say, express, that in the end, it was one big complicated mush fest that the kids are bound to HATE when they read it. See, the last sentence itself was so long that even you must have dropped off to sleep.
Thats what the last few versions turned up like. And now, hopefully, I’ll be able to make some coherent sense out of my feelings. Put down something that the kids can read and understand!! This post is a little long….hope the kids (and the readers) have the patience to go through it completely.
So, here goes ,
Dear Laddoo and Shobby,
Today is 18th of Nov 2009. Exactly a year back, your momma was stretched on the operating table being prepped for the C-Sec .When the first baby was pulled out (there was a doctor pushing the tummy down for all he was worth, and another trying to pull the baby out for all he was worth) and I heard this loud wail, all I could think was , this is it! I’m a Mother now!! It was you, Laddoo, my darling daughter! You proved what strong vocal chords you had then…and continue to prove it till today
The second one out was Shobby, wailing piteously, which even he continues to do till today!! Once both of you were out, there was a mini-riot outside the op-theater and the doctors had to warn our families to shut-up or get-out. They didn’t get-out, of course . They didn’t shut up either!!!
Would you believe me when I say that even in the haze of anesthesia I was smiling like a cat who had just licked the cream?!! I was that content!! It was an achievement. A major one at that. I had completed my family. And I was happy. Hazy still, but happy.And Allah had been immensely kind. Both of you, though under-weight, were healthy(mA).
In all this joy there was one dark cloud. You had to be spoon fed every 2 hours. There were people who commented on why I wasn’t feeding you. And I was tired of repeating that I did so want to, but couldn’t. You just didnt have the strength. And when you did, I didnt have the supply
But now, when I look back, I see it all differently. I feel I didn’t try enough. I feel I shouldn’t have listened to the doctors and kept you on top feed. I feel that I failed. I lost out on the opportunity of experiencing motherhood when I had the C-Sec. And the second time I was deprived was when I couldn’t feed you. And God had selected me to look after 2 babies. Was I even worth it?!!! It was such a huge gamble. Such a risk!!
The first few weeks were hectic. Like all babies, you two were night owls. I used to stay up the whole night either feeding you, or rocking you to sleep or holding you while you cried with discomfort or changing wet nappies. By morning , I used to be a wreck. A haggard sleep deprived wreck! Your nani used to look after you during the day (while I caught the most needed 40 winks). She loved massaging you and bathing you and generally fussing over you both. She cried buckets when I was to come back to our house and she had to return to B’lore(For more than a month after that, she used to call up everyday and cry over the phone. She missed you awfully!!!)
When you both were 5 months old, I resumed working. A little too early, like many people commented. And even I felt the same. But you have to know, I didn’t start working because I wanted to be away from you two. I did it because I wanted to get away from the over-bearing guilt of being just a ‘carrier’ and not a real mom to you two. You were totally being fed on formula and sleeping through the day. It didnt make sense for me just while my time at home. This is not a justification for leaving you at home. I started working because I know that you are well loved and looked after by your big-dadi. And also, because I was growing rusty being at home for nearly a year. I had to put my brain to some use!!
Many people wondered how I could manage looking after two babies throughout the night and then get back to work the next day. What they didnt realize is that you two are not my weakness. You are my strength. I derive pleasure just by looking at you. Your smile is enough to get rid of my tiredness. And the best part ……you were solely mine to hold.And caress. I didn’t have anyone else holding out their arms for you. I could hold on to you both for as long as I wanted. I could rock you to sleep, or just simply take my time in dressing you for the night. I could spend hours just looking at you two…and marveling at the good fortune bestowed on me and the BF.We used to sing lullabies (SS even learned to hum himself to sleep!!) Ohh, what fun we had those days…ooops!! I meant, nights!!
Your father wasn’t around initially, he had to leave for the US for some work, for a year. But he came back. For you two. He came back within 3 months, simply because he was unable to stay away from you two. Thats how strongly you both affected us.And still do.
We went through many milestones….the first time you two rolled over, the first tooth, the first time you learnt to sit, to stand, to walk and then, to run. There were many spates of illnesses with each passing season. Right from a tummy bug to fevers to colds n cough. You have braved it all. And come out stronger. There were loads of vaccinations and supplements to administer. Supplies of formula , baby food ,diapers and wet tissues had to be replenished every week.You’ve been keeping us busy. Seriously busy.
My days start with you two and ends with you. And when I come back from office and see you two rushing towards me, I’m overwhelmed by the amount of love you show…those outstretched arms, that wide grin, that sparkle in the eyes!!! (Well you do trick me at times , though that is welcome too ).
We have come a long way….haven’t we? From here :-
To here :-
to here :-
to here :-
till here :-
There are many more years to come…and with it, many more new things from you two. Am still eagerly awaiting for the time when you would call me as “Mamma”. And call the BF as “Abba”.
In spite of all the joy I still suffer from guilt pangs. Of not being there with you the whole time. Of not being able to give the same time to you both. And my heart breaks in two when both of you cry for my attention and I can address only one. Like the time both of you want me to put you to sleep, but I can place only one on my lap. You have no idea about the kind of frustration and dilemma I face then. In a way, I feel helpless. You wail louder as your dadi or big-dadi try to pick you and pacify you. But I know you want to be with me. Just me. And thats what hurts most. My complete inability to handle two babies at the same time! Like I said before, I still can’t understand how Allah could trust me with 2 kids!!
I would just like you to know that you have taken birth into a family which can only give you one thing in abundance – Love. Whatever our shortcomings, your parents have tried to do the best they could under the circumstances, and never for a second , would we ever wish for it to be otherwise.
Each member of this family has and will continue to shower you with their affection and time.Your Chachu believes that you are the MOST BEAUTIFUL babies on this planet. I second that thought. Obviously. Your Dada is waiting eagerly for the time he can take you to the park. Your Dadi is waiting for you to be old enough to visit places with her. Your Big-dadi is waiting for you to start talking.
And your mamma…..she doesn’t know what she wants!! Neither does your Abba. We are just full of gratitude to Allah for each day that we get to spend with you. These moments are way too precious. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring. But today is all that matters to us now.
I just have one request…..dont grow up so fast….that we can’t keep pace with you (I must confess, there are times I wish you would stay the tiny little babies you were once. When I could hold both at the same time )
I wish you a very happy Birthday….and many more to come.
May each year bring with it more happiness and joy……
and the strength to deal with sorrow. For you …..and for us.
P.S: A short note on your names. I always had a feeling that I will have a daughter. And I wanted to name her something which meant “from the soul”. Because my daughter is not just a part of my body. she is a part of my soul. And you are just that, RS. Much more than a daughter. You are an extension of my existence.
And for you, SS, your father wanted to name you. And he deserved that right. And I’m glad to say that he did. Because you have a sweet name. And you are the perfect “Friend/companion” to RS. I know you will always be there for her. Her brother.