Its been a rather long time since we had an open heart-to-heart talk. You know, the kinds where we lay bare our souls and virtually make a go for each other’s throats opinions. Its been some time, really .
So today, I take this opportunity to discuss with you some relevant issues related to our parenting gig (that thing we do when faced with two guileless babies). Firstly, let me clarify that I’m NOT pointing fingers at the way you bring them up (‘bring them up’, surely I jest. As if you’d know exactly ‘HOW’ to BTU!!! Hah!!), I’m just handing out general guidance and instructions (being the generous person that I am) since I’m more experienced in this field. In case you have any doubts on it, let me clarify that the word “Motherhood” is far more commonly used than the term “Fatherhood” (did you even know such a word existed?? No? My point, exactly!!). And since I’m the mother here, it’ll do you good to hear me out (and will you please pull out that ear-plug from your ears? And no, I don’t take kindly to cotton either). As long as you stick to these guidelines, we’ll be fine. I promise
So here goes :-
1) Waking up the kids after their mother has spent a nerve-racking hour trying to make them sleep, is not good parenting. It is bad. And not only parenting, it is also bad husband-ing, if you know what I mean!!
2) Stealing away children loyalty under the nose of their mother is bad parenting. Specially when the said mother does the night shifts and operation clean-ups. I don’t know HOW you do it, but its time you stopped. Pronto!!
3) Adding “I Love You” to every sentence you speak to the kids is a mean, underhand thing to do. The kids will grow up believing that only their father loves them and not their mother (since she can’t remember to add the aforementioned phrase to EVERY EFFING LINE!!). Not that she doesn’t want to. It’s just that she, well, cant. At least, not as often as YOU!!
4) Baby poop doesn’t hurt. Handing over a baby with a loaded diaper is an act of the cowardly. Be brave, chin-up. Take over that diaper and clean up that tushy. There, there, easy does it. And don’t forget to duck when that kick is directed at you. Ouch!! Was I late in handing out that pearl of wisdom?? And oh, don’t forget to powder the bum.
5) Feed them chocs, brush their teeth. This rule is very simple. Don’t want to do the brushing?? Well, then, just do what I do. Steer clear of the chocs!! Else you better start saving up for their dental bills (Oh boy!! You’ll have 64 rotten teeth to deal with. Think about it. *Smirk*).
6) I know you get your kicks out of taking the kids for horse-rides on your back, but believe me, its not funny when the twins whine for a horsy-ride on MY back. For the record, mine is the spine that bent 45 degrees the other way when I was carrying the twins and also, it was ME who had a C-sec (just in case you forget). My back’s not on the same grade as yours!! It would do me good if you could break this habit of theirs as soon as possible!! Else, the next time, you won’t be just carrying the kids on your back. You’ll have to carry me around too (Aahhh…now that’s a thought that brings me great pleasure…hmmmm….).
7) I know you love whispering sweet nothings into their ears while they are asleep. But I’m seriously doubtful as to the content. When a generic question like “Who does RS/SS belong to?” is answered with a pat “Abba”, I have reason to belive there is foul-play afoot. Surely, the kids don’t really believe what they say. You are hardly around to clean up after them or wipe their snotty noses. It couldn’t just be love either. It MUST be the ideas that you feed into their subconscious when they are sleeping. What a nasty,underhand thing to do!!
8 ) Buying diapers is not a big deal. At All. You don’t get brownie points for going out to buy them. Even if it means you performed this task first thing in the morning. And without having your breakfast. Or even a glass of water. You’ve sacrificed NOTHING, geddit?? So stop bringing it up every other day.
9) Spanking the kids is fine. As long as I spank them on the bum. You don’t have to pull a long face and make me feel like an executioner just because your son threw away his granny’s clothespins off the balcony and his mother gave him a spank on his bottom. I’m NOT torturing the kids. Ask your mom. You’ve faced worse third degrees than just a spank.
10) I love you. *Whew!!*