Very Lovely Chubby Cheeks

Not lovely, but I do have Chubby Cheeks. At least when I grin. Or smile!

Anyhow, this incident happened this Monday – I walked into the VLCC centre closest to my place, I had an appointment for 11 AM, but I was a tad early and walked in by 10:40 AM. The only person around to greet me was the cleaning maid. I waited for a while and then asked for something to read. The maid reluctantly handed me the previous day’s paper. She looked grumpy, so I didn’t pester her for the current copy. I read the paper from start to end. Then started on the crossword. then did a few Mensa puzzles (successfully, if I might add ) and then finally proceeded to do Sudoku. By now, it was 11:20 AM, yet there was barely any activity inside the parlour/fitness-centre.

I doodled for some time, when finally a lady walked up to me and gave me a form to fill (since it was my first time there). I filled up eagerly and went to hand it over to her. The lady watches me approach her and as she accepts my form, coughs discreetly and says, ” *Ahem* Would you be interested in our special figure-correction package?”.

What?!

I mean, I know I’m kinda healthy…but figure correction? I mean, do you actually massage yourself to cut away the flab in order to get a better silhouette or what?!

She took in my flabbergasted expression and took it for a yes. I’m still not sure if she realized I was offended big time . Anyhow, so this other woman with gorgeous long hair leads me inside and makes me stand on this machine which my feet placed over some metals pads and hands holding on to some bars while the machine does a complete body scan. The device had a tiny display and suffice to say, the readings were not pretty. I now realize why the figure-correcting lady thought I needed to chop up the fat!

In a short summary, this is what the dratted machine had to say -

1) Height : 155 cms

2) Weight 69.1 kgs

(normal range 43.9 – 59.4)

3) Muscle mass 19.4 kgs

(normal range 19.5 -23.8)

4) Body Fat Mass 32.6 kgs

(normal range 10.3 – 16.5)

There!! See that?! My body fat turns out to be twice that of the max amount of the normal range. I , for one, am NOT normal

The report also had detailed sectional reports on where the fat deposit is more and where it is normal. Apparently, each leg weighs 5 kgs more than required, the tummy region is *hold your breath* 15 kgs over the normal and shoulders are each 2.5 kgs over.

While I was recovering from the shock, the dear counselor went on a long spiel about how VLCC could come to the rescue and with a minimal amount of 25K, guarantee loss of 5 kgs and a couple of inches.

I almost told the lady that I’d rather starve myself to death. Lose weight and save money in one go. All that two-birds and one stone theory churned in my mind. But I stayed mum. “We’ll see”, was all that I could croak. I mean, frankly speaking, my fatness is not their fault. So what if they offer the services for ‘reasonable’ amounts which appear gargantuan to me ?! It would have been much better if I’d seen the gargantuan-ness of my fat before I stepped through their door, hadn’t it?!

Anyhow, I asked them to wrap up with what I’d come there for (A facial,manicure,hair-wash, conditioning,haircut, blow-dry,threading and skin and hair analysis). Again, for the record, these are not activities I normally indulge in. Good friend from work, SK had found a package deal online which gave us these services from VLCC for 600/- when the actual cost of the same was 4000/-.Obviously, we grabbed at it with both hands.

Talking of hands, the attendant who took charge of my manicure wasn’t impressed with my hands. “Too rough”, “Too much cuticle”, “too much tan”. A lot of head-shaking and marketing spiel later (well, they ALL tried to sell me VLCC products. I can give them marks for trying ) work began on making my hands look presentable. Post the session, I rued the fact that it never clicked me to get a before and after snap . *Sigh* I always miss such moments I tell you . The fingers did look better, but a tad sore, since my cuticles were more or less ripped off my nails. Alas, the effect stayed but just a day. I scraped my nails with the knife while chopping veggies the next day. Made me realize that pampering the hands works for only those people who don’t have to rough it out in the kitchen. If you are the regular food provider , chances are, you’ll always have trimmed nails and at least a couple of remnant oil burn marks on your hands/wrists

I digress again. Apologies.

The main attraction of the session was the hair wash (pleasant), the conditioning (yummm) and the blow-dry/ setting which was an awesome job because my normally fly-away zig-zag hair looked like those of our North-Eastern counterparts. Silky, straight and oh so shiny!!  I mean, I could actually leave my hair open without a thousand clips or bands in place . SK had the same package and we were both flaunting our hair in office the next day, much to the amusement and envy of our colleagues ! Unfortunately, SK washed her hair today and its back to normal. I haven’t washed mine yet…I don’t want my hair to get back to their normal messy state

I came back home that evening and showed the print-out of my body analysis report to the BF

BF :  (feigning shock) Goodness?!! Whatever gave them the idea that you are *gasp* fat?!!

Me : Ha ha. Not funny mister.

BF :  No really. I mean, I swear their machine must be faulty. Go back and ask them for a refund.

Me : You wish!!

BF : No. No. YOU wish

At which point I aimed a good kick towards the punster, which was easily sidestepped because frankly, I can raise my leg just about a foot off the ground

The BF continued snorting with laughter as he exited the room, probably because he didn’t want to be beaten to a pulp. The leg couldn’t be raised high, I agree, but it carries weight, all 5.1 kgs more than the normal range !!

To round up the tale, my fitness level is at an all time low of 56 when it is supposed to be a minimum of 74. To correct the anomalies, I have made a slight change in my diet. Breakfast is Muesli and a cup of tea. Lunch is a fruit and large jar of Herbalife shake. Dinner is one chapati, a little sabzi and a little rice. I have stopped taking sugar in tea and eating sweets. The trip to the gym is pending. Hoping to correct that as soon as possible.

I don’t mind losing the chubby cheeks, I guess…..if it means being healthier and fitter to run around with the twins