Struggling With Separation

No,don’t get me wrong…. this post isn’t about the BF and me

We are practically conjoined twins ourselves

I have lamented enough about my reluctance to keep distance from the twins. There are times when I crib that the BF and me don’t have our personal space. Its true, but it is also mostly my doing.
Last month, the MIL went to stay overnight at the SIL’s place, taking the twins along with her. I’m ashamed to say, I was a nervous wreck that evening . Not having the twins near me after I came back from work, was a jolt in itself. As the hours passed, I realized that I was calling up the MIL every hour to check up on the kids. At one time, the SIL took over the phone and gently assured me that the kids were fine and were playing with her sons.
I spent the rest of the night moping. Cried buckets into my pillow and swore never to let the twins away from me , EVER!!! It was the first time in 3.5 years that the twins weren’t with me in the night
Around 3 AM, I was too exhausted to cry anymore and went off to sleep!
Frankly, I was heartbroken.
Never knew that I’d be so weak….and here I was , always under the impression that I’m a tough cookie and a go-getter who started working just as the twins completed 5 months!! But then…..the reasons for my starting work were entirely different than they are now

Anyhow, so after that one instance, I realized that I cant be snuggling up with the kids forever. It was time to start letting go, albeit gently.
Last Sunday was my cousin’s engagement. We had to travel to a town roughly 6-7 hours from the city. Given the long distance travel by bus, I thought it prudent to leave the kids behind. Moreover, I received a call from my uncle to bring our bottled water as that particular area had reported cases of Hepatitis patients. That kind of sealed my decision to leave the kids behind. Later, I found that there were others who had brought their children with them. I felt bad that I hadn’t . In fact, I was hoping that if the BF accompanied me, we could have managed the kids between us. Though the MIL is keen to share the responsibility of the kids, the twins don’t pay her much attention, specially when we are out. Also, the MIL was as eager to attend the engagement as I was .
The BF tried his best to convince me that he would take care of the kids. I wasn’t buying any of it. Just that morning, when I told him to supervise the kid’s bath, he happily went and told the twins, “Yaay….today is Saturday……Aaj nahane ki chhutti!!!” Kids and father, all yelled in delight
So yeah, he wasn’t very successful in his eager plea for trust! To think of leaving him alone with the kids game me a chill in my spine. The MIL must have felt something similar, because she promptly called the nanny to spend a day at our house (we had dispensed of her services since the twins started their day-care)

I woke early on Sunday morning, 5 AM. We were to leave by 6 AM . We left the house by 5:50 to reach my uncle’s place which was close by. It took us another hour from my uncle’s place to finally commence on our journey.
That one hour was one of the most fretful of my life I know that Shobs gets up early and demands his milk. I also know that the BF sleeps like, well…any working man on a weekend.
I called him 4-5 times in the next one hour, he didn’t pick the call. Was probably asleep. But I was frantic…..all my thoughts focused on poor Shobs who would be deprived of his milk. MIL reassured me that since the FIL was home, he would be awake and would look after Shobby till the time BF woke up. That was some consolation, but not all.

Once we were out of the network range, I just clutched my phone and fretted over whether the kids were awake or not, whether they had their milk or not, whether the BF gave then breakfast or not…..you get the drift. The MIL tried cheering me up a couple of time but I just wasn’t in the mood.

Though I got dressed and attended the function, I realized later that I was just sitting in one corner throughout. I got up just once to congratulate my cousin brother and his would-be-bride and then slithered back onto my chair. You won’t find any snaps of me in that event.
The only bright spark in my otherwise solemn day was that I got to meet my parents . Mom and Dad had come to the town for the engagement and were going to come back to Pune with us. I was seeing Mom after one whole year!!!
Post lunch, we spent some time idling about while the families sorted out the nitty-gritties of wedding preparations. I called the BF once more, ready to blast him if he picked the call (he hadn’t picked the phone since morning and I was truly ticked off). Clever man that he is, he handed the phone to the kids. My babies!! They were so wonderfully mature when they said that they weren’t troubling their father and had their food on time . That was all the reassurance I needed.
We were a tad delayed because of the rains and it was after 1 AM when we finally reached home. I saw the twins sleeping peacefully with their dad on the double bed. It was a beautiful sight. But I broke down once more ! I’m still not sure why I sobbed as I saw them sleeping peacefully
Was it because they spent an entire wakeful day without me?
Was it because they didn’t really miss me much?
Was it because the twins learned to stay away from me much sooner than I anticipated?
Was it because I was riding high on the guilt trip of leaving them behind?
Was it because I was plain exhausted after a longer-than-bargained-for drive back to Pune??
Whatever the case, I was out in seconds after my head hit the pillow.

When I woke up the next morning, the twins were delighted to see me, but they didn’t ask me where I was the previous day . Its almost as if they didn’t miss my presence at all (major morale depressor, that!)
For the major part of this week, I’ve been pondering over my reaction and the twin’s. On hindsight, I feel that leaving the kids behind with their father wasn’t a catastrophe begging to occur as I had expected. Its okay if the children don’t take a bath one day or just eat maggi/chips/fruits throughout the day. The kids were fine, their father was fine and the only one who missed out on the fun, was me

Frankly, there is no concrete plot to this post. I’m just grumpy that the kids have weaned away from me and I’m still holding on to their teethers and sippy-cups
Time to let go a wee bit, isn’t it?!





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