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Archive for December 11th, 2009

….is an ocean of tears and pain.

Apologies to all if this post appears a wee bit depressing.

Thats definitely not the intention.

Recently, I came across many new people, who went ooh n’  aah over the fact that I have twins. And why not!! There are times when I do the ooh-aah act myself 🙂

Some say I’m lucky.

Some say its fate.

I say, it was meant to be. Only because I wanted it to be.

The keyword here , is ‘wanted’. Because unless you want something real bad, unless you feel incomplete without its existence in your life, unless it takes over your senses completely, you generally dont get it. Its true.

There are two things I’ve really craved for. Badly.

The BF

And having Twins.

Where the BF is concerned, I didn’t have to struggle much. There was no ‘tamasha’, no shedding copious amount of tears, no wailing, begging, pleading with parents.

Dad and Mom approved of him and our marriage was fixed (mA).

It wasn’t so easy with the twins.

You see, I went through two major D&Cs and one normal miscarriage. It wasn’t easy. The physical pain was nothing compared to the emotional trauma of losing an unborn child. Its easier to write about it now because I’m quite out of it. Even earlier, I had written about it here.

The first time I became pregnant, there was a slight hint of disappointment. You see, I was hoping to have twins, but the USG showed only one foetus. Even then, I was content and was looking forward to it.  Alas, it wasn’t meant to be. My doc said it’s normal to have a miscarriage, happens to most women,blah blah blah…I wasn’t listening. I couldn’t believe my dreams had been shattered so rudely.

I had to undergo a D&C simply because, even though the foetus was no more, my body had refused to let go of it…..as if my mind was controlling it to just stay there a little longer.

For  weeks after that, I was living under a gloom of depression…..it was difficult to talk about it. Many relatives who weren’t aware of the loss would meet up at weddings and ask me how the pregnancy was coming along……. 😦

Then the same happened a second time…

And a third.

By then, I was sure that God didn’t want me to have children. It was so easy , believing that. So easy, to lose faith ….

Each time I went through a loss, the BF would console me , saying that maybe Allah wanted to give me that which I really wanted. A pair of twins . but I wasn’t so sure….If I couldn’t hold on to ONE, what were the chances of me getting TWO???

But I held on to the belief , that somewhere, somewhere, God has a better plan for me. So I prayed as fervently as I could. Begging Allah to have mercy on me…

Those days I was into serious depression…..My SIL had delivered a bonny baby shortly after my first miscarriage. My bhabhi had her daughter.Then one of BF’s cousins delivered a baby…and she had married after us!! It just caused a LOT of raised eyebrows….people wondering, not so quietly, as to when I was planning on having my own. At that time, I would have gladly told them to go and take a hike!! MIL saved the day by deflecting such annoying questions. Am indebted to her for standing by me in my sorry time.

And then, one fine day….. I felt it. I knew I was pregnant with twins…..even before I went for the first USG. A few months after that, I had written this post.

Its all rosy now…I have a lovely family and lovelier babies.

They are my life….Literally.

They aren’t just any pair of twins. They are THE pair of twins…the ones meant for me. The ones Allah wanted to give me ….but wanted to test my faith and patience first.

And I’m grateful. Eternally.

In the end, all I now know is that if you want something real bad, you get it…and more important, you learn to value it .

My babies are precious to me….but even more precious, is the experience, the pain I went through. It was all worth it, after all 🙂

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