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Archive for April 1st, 2010

On a lighter vien……….

………………received this message from a friend at work :-

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We have many options, like poison, faansi, jumping off a building, laying down on train tracks……but we don’t choose any of these.

 

We choose MARRIAGE.

 

“Tadap tadap ke marenge !!”

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Hmmmm…

Another friend is of the opinion, that if we have so many problems with marriage, we shouldn’t have married at all.

The humour, alas, is lost on her 😦

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Update on SS’ Health

Thank you all for your good wishes for my baby.

He is better than yesterday, but not all that better. The infection, in his case, is more severe. And his body, as before, is struggling to cope up with it.

He’s a fighter, my son, and I know he’ll over come it.

But what rents my heart apart , is to see his tiny body in the throes of fever, to see him shivering, quivering in a foetal position. To see his usually bright eyes, heavy-lidded and dull. To see his face flushed a bright shade of red. To see him meekly open his mouth for medicines and then see him throwing it all up again. To see him losing weight right in front of my eyes and unable to do anything about it.

The doctors say he will lose appetite, that he won’t be able to eat, just drink. But what if he refuses to even drink? Till now, he has thrown up milk, fruit juices, thin soups. What do I do to make him have something and let it stay?

It’s not easy, and I broke down yesterday. I sobbed like I hadn’t sobbed for a long time. There was nothing more I could do to relieve him of his suffering. MIL and the BF assured me that he’ll be fine.

But that’s not what worries me. It’s the guilt eating at me. Shouldn’t I have taken him to the doctor when I first saw the signs? Shouldn’t I have started on treatment immediately when RS was ill? Shouldn’t I have taken precaution and made sure they were apart ALL the time?!!

A lot of things that I should have done, but didn’t. A lot of things , which, if taken care of earlier, could have relieved my baby of his current misery. A lot of things, which would have saved everyone the trauma of seeing him suffer.

My son was born weak, a tiny little thing , barely 1.5 kgs in weight. By the grace of Allah, he had a normal growth chart, albeit a little slow in the weight department. One thing, which is his shortcoming, is his immunity. He is awfully weak when it comes to battling the bugs. Something, which I can’t help him with. Something which he has to build up by himself.

He seems to be doing a pretty neat job till now. But it does nothing to assuage my fears. I worry about him and will continue to do so.

This morning, after getting up, he was a little back to his normal self, insisting on being lifted and carried around (btw, did I ever tell you that my son is Little Ambedkar? No? Well , it stems from him pointing his forefinger in the direction he wants to be taken . Bluddy Faux Royalty, him!!).

Anyhow, he croaked “Momma” in a weak voice and I was immediately a puddle of mush. My baby hasn’t been able to speak a single word these last few days, and he called out to me!! How great is that?! And I felt so mean, subjecting him to cold sponges , where he writhed uncontrollably, trying to crawl out of my grasp, crying, but unable to get a sound out of his throat. I had to do it, because there was no other way to bring down his fever. I had to do it, because I couldn’t think of my baby’s body being pumped with strong antibiotics. He is barely fighting the bugs, I don’t want him to suffer further with the side-effects of medicines!!

Some decisions are so difficult to make, and its so difficult to accept that we did the best we could. Because , there is always a tiny voice within the head, which continues to mutter that we could have done better, we could have put in more efforts, more time.

Can’t really blame that voice , I’m guilty.

Should I have taken a leave then? I guess so.

But I didn’t.

I have just another eight days to go in this place and there is a lot that needs to be covered. I’m already lagging behind. Circumstances are such, that after all the hard work I’ve put in and good name that I’ve earned, I don’t want to lose it at the last minute. I don’t want to leave lose ends hanging around with others struggling to wrap up my tasks.

Also, if I were to take a leave and stay home, I would undoubtedly crash out on my bed (since I haven’t slept for the last 2-3 nights and also, because I know that the GMIL and the maid would be tending to the kids better than me). It’s better that I stay here, get my work done and then get back to the kids.

Somehow, even though I know what I’m doing is the right thing to do, even though the BF reassured me that I’m doing enough already, I feel hollow. I feel I should be doing more (both, at home as well as at work) .

Or maybe , I’m just being a little paranoid. Ill babies can do that to you.

And oh, did I tell you that RS has become unbelievably clingy these days?? She refuses to let go of me once I reach home. She even hangs on to my clothes, walking around with me, not wanting to let go (never mind that I’ve nearly tripped badly twice). What do I do?? It’s worse when SS whines for me and RS screams blue murder if I try to put her down.

Fun ?!

Not.

😦

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