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Archive for June 28th, 2010

…..yet, it’s awfully difficult for me to confront it all and write it down here!!

Wondering what I’m talking about?

Well, I came across a post on mother’s wallowing in guilt related to their children at  The Women’s Web ‘Mommy Guilt’ Contest. And though initially I jumped up and down at the opportunity of penning (rather , typing) my sorry state of affairs as a mother, better sense prevailed and I realized that what I have to say would take up more than a regular blog post. In fact, it would take up and entire blog itself (that, is a very depressing thought indeed 😦 ) .

I went through a few posts by other mothers who had shared their experiences and  realized that they weren’t any different from mine. What I had to say is no different from what they’ve said. The only difference being, maybe, the magnitude of guilt. For I cannot simply just state that I feel guilty. I FEEL guilty. ALL the time. Period.

Even then, I tried to give it a shot. I sat down and listed the areas where I’ve felt worst as a mother. The shocker came when I realized that the list far exceeded my expectations. Where do I begin? From the time they were born premature ,couldn’t be breast-fed, had to be home while I was at work, suffered severe motions with every new food item introduced, every nick, cut ,bruise on their body, to the time yesterday when my daughter was almost run over by a tempo on the road (where was I?? Attending to guests inside a relative’s house, where there was an engagement ceremony in progress). There are no excuses for the lapses and the “we’re human” argument just doesn’t cut it. The guilt here is that my priority was to make the aunt’s guests comfortable, rather than minding my own kids (but that calls for another post altogether!!).

The work-around is to deal with the guilt in a positive manner. Sometimes I’m able to. Sometimes, I give in to tiredness and take the easy way out. I yell at them,sometimes even spank their bottoms. Even while disciplining them, I fret whether I’m being too harsh or whether they are old enough to even understand what I’m trying to do here!! The only thing I’ve controlled doing , is staying angry or annoyed with them. So even if I let them howl for a minute, I give in and console them. It kills me to see them cry (even though these days, they cry just for effect and not because they feel like crying. The monsters!!).

I know I have a HUGE blessing in the form of these kids. And that’s where the guilt stems from. The feeling of being unworthy of this blessing. As if the twins are too good for me (which is true). The only way out is to treat it, is like we do with all other blessings. Accept them with open palms and then enfold them, so that the blessing remains within that cup of two palms, to save, nurture and cherish.

I’m by no means a perfect mother. Heck, far from it. I’ve been careless, negligent and irresponsible, sometimes, all of them at the same time!! It’s a wonder the twins still respond to my calls and shower me with kisses. So not deserved, I tell you!! But I’m learning the hang of it….its a tough climb with no end in sight, but yeah, I’m making some progress on the way up there 🙂 .

The guilt , by no means reduces, it just stays in the shadows, to leap out at the wrong time 😀 . And though I refuse to mention all those instances of guilt, I let out a bit of steam now and then (like this very post).

In fact, I feel better already 🙂

Thanks for lending me your time  to read through my grouse 🙂 .

Much love to you all !!!

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