This post has been lying in the drafts for quite some time now. I add to it, then delete it. I think of hitting publish and then pull back again. I’m not sure if I should be putting it out here for anyone to read and then I think I should, since I feel so strongly about it.
And then, I just decided to do it today……….
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It is funny you know, the way life takes a sudden turn and you are forced to rethink on your thought process. How something which seemed mammoth-like earlier now just appears like dust particles – insignificant! How an earlier humiliation now seems like a miniscule scratch on a well-worn slipper!
Lately, I find myself thinking about and analysing my relationship with my two MILs. This December, I’ll complete 5 years of married life and 5 years of living that life as a DIL, day in and day out. I’ll admit that it isn’t easy. It never was.Β But life is much better now π and there is some cheer in that confession π
Within a couple of weeks of my wedding, everyone at home resumed their work, except me, who was jobless, the BIL who was studying and the GMIL. A simple chore of asking me to ‘give’ breakfast to the BIL would comprise of the following actions by the GMIL –
1) Call me out from my room.
2) Ask me to take the food out to the other end of the house where BIL was studying.
3) The BIL would refuse breakfast, I would come back and report to the GMIL. She would order me to make something alternate for him.
4) I make something new, take it to the BIL, who would calmly explain that he was not hungry and if he was, he would come and take his breakfast.
5) I report back to GMIL and she would ask me to make him tea. I say he doesn’t want it. She argues that he said that about breakfast and not tea.
6) I make tea and take it to the BIL. He looks at me as if I’ve gone bonkers. No words spoken. I come back and inform the same to the GMIL.
7) She asks me to make him juice, since he doesn’t want tea. I almost start, but the BIL drops by and clearly tells the GMIL that he is in NO mood for food OR drink because the GMIL had already given him breakfast earlier in the morning.
Whew!!
So the GMIL made me run from one end of the house to another for NO REASON!! Till date, I’m not sure what made her resort to such techniques of harassment. There were many more instances, many more harsh words, many more slights and insults. When the twins refused to feed, the GMIL left no stone unturned in letting each and every person, who dropped by for a visit, know about my lack of feeding capability. It is a barb that still hurts. But the wounds are not that fresh now. The healing process is on. Mostly because however sharp the GMIL was towards me, she was the epitome of mushy goodness with the twins. She handled them with tender careΒ and that is one of the reasons I could resume working so soon after the twins were born (the second reason was that I couldn’t stand the same comments everyday. Call it hormones or whatever, I found it easier to sob my heart out in the office washroom than at home. Also, I had friends here, people who cheered me up immensely with their jokes and one-liner. Thanks OSD1HT gang. It’s good to know you all). But still, there are times IΒ wonder why she used to say all that, do all those things which could be described in just one word – nasty!!
One of the disciplining rules of my parents was that one should never ever talk back to elders, whatever may be the case. Till date, my parents follow that golden rule. Their parents met their end knowing that their children never uttered an insult towards them, irrespective of however bad they were treated. This behavior rubbed on us, I guess. Because no matter how awful I felt or how low, I could never utter a single word in protest. So if the GMIL thundered at me, I just cowered in a corner (no , don’t imagine that scene. It wasn’t that bad π ) . Mostly, I used to keep quiet, take it in, and sob over it later.
I could have threatened to walk out of the house many times. But the one thing that held me back was that the BF is his granny’s favourite. A first-born, much pampered child, the BF is besotted by his granny. A fact that didn’t escape the grand-mater, since most of her attacks occurred in the absence of her grandson!! Since he could not say much to his grand-mother, given her advanced age, he did his best to make life a little easier for me, cheered me up and asked me to do what I wanted to do and not just what she wanted me to do.
Another factor holding me back was the MIL, who turned out to be a complete anti-thesis of the GMIL. So where granny was loud, MIL was silent, where granny was grumpy, MIL was cheerful, where the old lady was dominating, the MIL was subservient. Moreover, the MIL has a sincere penchant for family values, of holding on to family members andΒ of letting go of ill-will and bad vibes. Probably the reason she herself never walked out when she was the target of granny’s ire π
The last six months have been trying on our family. GMIL’s accidental fall and subsequent operations, hospitalization and nursing care is taking its toll on us.Β But the worst affected is the granny herself. Once the roaring lion of the house, she is now barely a mewing cat. I’ll confess here that the devil in me was partly glad that the GMIL no longer poked her nose in kitchen matters (there was a time when she made me cook 6 separate dishes for 6 people!!)Β or didn’t make me run around like an errand girl all day. In a way, GMIL stopped giving me the accusing looks that she used to give earlier, the look which said that I was incapable of doing anything right! Sure, it was always infuriating……but now that I don’t suffer that fate anymore, I realized that I feel something is amiss. Life isn’t as spicy as before. And because I no longer have GMIL’s interference, I’ve become lax in my responsibilities π¦
It comes as a shock really….because there was a time that I wanted the GMIL to stay in her room and not dig into what I do all day. But now since she’s doing exactly that, I hate it!! I hate to see her huddled in her bed, barely talking and mostly being alone. I hate to see the plea in her eyes when she needs to pee and asks for help. I hate to see her barely gulping down a few morsels before she tires out.Β I hate to see the tears in her eyes as the pain shoots up her leg. I hate to see her detached from the homely responsibilities that were once her lifeline! I hate to see that the twins are slowly distancing themselves from the Big-dadi who was once their savior and idol! There was a time when the twins used to frolic on her lap, climb all over her and she would be giggling just as childishly as them. The twins now barely enter her room, though I’ve told the nanny to make sure that the kids have their lunch and afternoon siesta with Granny. They sometimes refuse to enter her room and I know that innocent as their refusal might be, it hurts the GMIL bad. And it is that hurt resignation which hurts me the most π¦
Come to think of it, I’m ready to be a errand-girl once again, I’ll cook a thousand dishes if she wants me to, I’ll do all the running around as she wants and am ready to take whatever harsh words she wants to spit out.
But I want the old granny back. Life’s just not the same anymore without her caustic presence. When I tend to her nowadays, she’s very gentle, kind. This has improved our relationship considerably, by leaps and bounds, if I may say so. I can now sit and chat with her without fear. But this submissive attitude doesn’t suit her at all! I’d rather have the fiery tiger any day π
Please send your prayers and good wishes for GMIL. She needs all she can to muster her strength and walk again.
Thanks.
Awww! hugs darling
praying to God that the GMIL gets better and doesnt turn you into an errand girl..I really admire you rey….managing a job+twins+MIL+GMIL+BIL+FIL+BF! wow…you are truely great..
and yes, I can so hear you on that not talking back to elders…sometimes I wish my parents hadnt rubbed it off on me…I want to give it back seriously at times..but I never do because ma pa never said anything to their elders!
Very kind of you to say all that R’s Mom…but I guess anyone in my shoes would have done what I do π
As for Parents, they taught us right I guess….my biggest dilemma is getting the kids to toe the same line!
I swear they yell back at me if I so much as raise my voice π
Old people have a certain way of behaviour, we forget that when GMIL came as a DIL in the house she was probably treated the same way so it was NORM for her I guess , and she continuted the trend.. (sorry if i am sound rude)..
I can understand what you are saying in a way that When i was a young boy (ohh those good old day’s).. I would alswya argue with my dad or grand dad over this or that .. the basic generation gap and Now they are both no more there I miss them like anything and wish i could spend more time with them.
All my bess wishes and prayers For your Gmil , she will soon be on her two feet ordering you to make all those lovely food π
Thanks for the prayers Bikram..much needed.
π
you’re a gem Momo…I’m glad I know a person like you !!!
Praying for GMIL quick recovery and sending positive vibes… !
HUGS
Awww….dear. Dont say that. Me no gem (unless you’re talking about the round shaped colourful things full of chocolaty goodness . Now that I’d LOVE to be π )
Thanks for the prayers, much needed π
ROFL at your imagination …now see this is what I call a good writer…no wonder I’m hooked to your blog the moment I landed here π
P.S.by the way credit goes to ~G for she showed me the route to your blog π you gals have met, haven’t you?
Awww Scribs, thanks *blush*
G is an awesome girl (also HOT!!)
Thanks for reminding me…..its been ages since we met and whats worse is that our offices are barely 400 metres apart π¦
*rushing off to call G right now π *
oh you bet she is π she is a sweetheart and a lovely lovely host..not to forget the Boy too π in no time we’ve become kind so close friends…
it’s strange that we meet souls like you,G virtually…and it doesn’t matter a bit π friends are friends π
so did that call happen? π
A perfect hostess she is and the Boy too π
BTW, I called her and fixed a lunch date for tomorrow π
Will let you know more tomorrow π
I’m so jealous of you both,hmmmpf !!!! Me to want to join in
LOL!!
Be our guest then π
A very heartfelt post Noor: I can see why you wouldn’t want to publish it
Hope she gets better and you still get to do your things
Thanks for the wishes AA_Mom π
you are a person with bigger heart…I don’t have that patience of which you are made of…you rock girl π
And sending prayers for GMIL…
No AT!!
Its not about a bigger heart…its just about associating a particular trait with one person and getting used to it π
I guess I’m so used to GMIL’s haughty behavior that coming to terms with her gentler side seems difficult π
Thanks for the prayers though π
Nicely said…I need to focus of only the goodness factor of quite some folks at my household..just for my own well-being..
Exactly π
Your GMIL sounds like my MIL, the difference being my MIL ruled from her bed too when she was laid up with a fracture. No kidding! π
LOL!!
She must have been one dragon-lady (no offense meant π )
You bet! π
Hi Noor..My prayers are with you..Hope your GMIL gets better..
Offtrack, i have spent a whole of 7 hours going over your blog..And i cant get to do anything at all today..and i am at work!!! You have a great place here and loved reading the conversations between your kiddos..FUN!
Hi Subha,
I’m really glad you dropped by π (And I also hope I haven’t landed you in any trouble at work π )
Thanks a ton for the prayers and wishes π
My Dear Totem, ( I shudder to think what many of your friends would wonder
as to what kind of name is this….!!! )
It is by sheer accident that I ran into your blog today….!!!! And, Oh Boy, what a BLOG…..!!!! Darling Daughter, I was touched. May be I am also ‘old’ in the conventional sense and that’s why tears welled up in my eyes. Dollu, ( another term that will raise hackles among your friends ) I AM PROUD OF YOU. In Capitals. I was shocked to read your account of all that you went through…all these five years and we, your parents, were totally oblivious of it. Not a whiff of it….!!! Whenever we spoke to you, either in person or on phone, it was all a rosy picture of your ‘Second Home’…and, hunky-dory. Not fair, Girl. We have lived all our lives to give our kids the best of life. And, here we get to know, after glorious five years that, our little darling has gone through Hell…..!!!! Great…!!! That really gives us a great sense of ‘achievement’, Noor…..!!!!
OK, we are to blame. Period. All those advices on not talking back to elders, etc, is all OK…up to a point. Ahimsa is not that simple as turning your other cheek for a second slap. It doesn’t cater for the hands that go for your throat…..!!! We surely didn’t ask you to get clobbered, and keep getting clobbered, till your doom….!!! Nevertheless, we are glad that you took it all bravely in your stride and survived to tell the tale…..!!!
And, now, to the Anti-Climax. Now you miss the GMIL’s bickering, taunts,
harassment, nasty comments, et al, right…?!!!! You want the olden days back. You miss all those miserable days you underwent at the behest of that old….oh, well…..forget it. You want her back at the helm of affairs, crushing you down to the limits, driving you bonkers, reducing you to nothingness……!!! That’s even great……!!! Now, I am speechless. What kind of girl are you, Darling Daughter….?!!!! Are you from this Planet…?!!!
In conclusion, Noor, we are truly blessed to have you as our daughter in this birth. Being Proud Parents is only a part of it. As luck would have it, do you realise that your two other sisters and your SIL didn’t have to go through the ordeal you have been through….?!!!! We thank God for it. But, YOU TAKE THE CAKE…..!!!! Period.
May God Bless You, Child. There cannot be parents today, as proud as we are. Period again.
Your Dad.
Dad…….Firstly, thanks for dropping by and finally commenting.
Secondly, I apologise for painting a morose picture π¦
I think, I need to clarify a wee bit, but the my reply is so long that I think its better to do an entire post on it.
Please head here to read my reply :- https://momofrs.wordpress.com/2011/09/22/i-need-to-clear-the-air
I forgot to add : I’m lucky to have you both as parents Dad π
And what I go through is no ordeal (surely you and Mom both have faced worse π )
Like you say, this is life, take it or lump it π
Love you both π
N.
Best wishes for your GMIL’s recovery, and may I say that you are of a dying breed, the kind with very big hearts!
Thanks Mini…GMIL needs the prayers and wishes.
As for me….I’m not great. My post is a little misleading and I think I need to make amends.
[…] ….regarding this post. […]
totally blown off… Uncles post is so touchy dollu :p… In a way , i salute u. Perhaps not all girls r as gr8 as u. Under going all such stressful time n smiling yet… Wow, … But yes i agree wit uncle, learn to draw a line. Tc:)
Hey Pam, Dad gets emotional where I’m concerned π ! Maybe thats why he doesn’t see that my mom had faced a much worse time .
I agree on drawing the line part too. Must.Learn.ASAP π
Dropped in after a long time… well two weeks is long. Busy catching up. I do hope GMIL gets better soon. I’ve always marvelled at people who live happily in joint families. It is tough, as I can see from your account yet I’m always surprised at how you end it on a positive note… how you always give each one their due. How on earth do you manage such a balanced attitude? Oh I read the other post too and I still don’t think you painted an unfair picture.
Living happily doesn’t depend on the number of people you live with OM π (something like school days where the major part of the day was spent in a class full of kids and yet, those were the happiest days )
And like my MIL says, if you put a bunch of vessels in a sack, there is bound to be noise. I agree with her. And after years of living this life, I’ve realized that it is how you let that noise affect your life that makes the difference between happiness and discontent π
I can’t belive my comment got deleted twice by mistake.. long ones..will try one final time..
Good Luck π
Hey Noor,
I am not sure you are aware of my existance or not, but I do exist and follow your blog almost religiously. Delurking today.
It always amazes me to read you. The cheerful way you write about the happenings of your life, the kitchen stories, the household stuff, the stories of in laws, kids stories is commendable. Stuff about other working married moms just crib about.
Now coming back tpoo the post, I read thearlier post, I read it and like your dad it bought tears to my eyes as well. I am not sure how much patient I am with elders surely not like you but I do agree the prence of elders stablises the house. At my parents place, it used to eb the same. My dadi is mostly with us, but when she is not around – the house runs like crazy. Both my parents working, me and my sis always running from class to class… to an outsider it seems as if four bachelors trying to manage home. Now I have shifted to a new place for Job, but miss all that. Miss dadi. Its saddens me to see her getting old. And the guilt of not talking to her over phone frequently wnough saddens me more.
Hi Nikita, Thanks for delurking π
Your comments about your grandmother are touching indeed. It is exactly the same sentiment that my husband shares….his childhood was spent in his granny’s arms since both his parents were working. Maybe thats why , in spite of all my cribbing, he’s reluctant to say anything to her π …and frankly, now I don’t mind it at all. I can understand his bond with his granny π