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Archive for the ‘Confessions’ Category

Wallowing In Misery

Okay, I confess.

I’m not as strong as I’d assumed I am. Or will ever be.

I’m a sissy and a nincompoop and I miss the BF. Terribly, terribly miss him 😦

Its been two months plus since he’s been away. There’s not a single day when I haven’t mailed/chatted/called him at least three times each. Yet, I think this wait for his return is driving me nuts. I didn’t know I would miss him this much. Or maybe I just miss our arguments and repartee’s. Life’s less than appealing right now. It doesn’t help that the twins are not keeping well and refuse to eat anything! Nothing I make of feed them makes an iota of a difference. They are both getting skinnier by the day, not that it hampers their activity levels. They can still out-run and out-scream the best out there 😐

Anyway, this post isn’t about them.

Its about the BF…and how his absence is driving me insane !!

I haven’t had a single night’s restful sleep since he left. I call him up at 3am, only to be scolded to go back to sleep 😦 . Mushy, sappy songs are the order of the day and bring tears to my eyes …especially when I’m alone.

I look like this!!

I look like this!!

By the way, am not sure if I’m the only one here…but when I think of sad, sappy songs about  separation, I cant recollect even a single new-age song that belongs to the year 2K and beyond. I’m mostly left humming “Ayegaaa…..Ayegaa……..ayega aane waaala….Ayegaaa…..” or “Afsana likh rahi roon...” or maybe even a peppy, “Imtihaan ho gayi…..intezaar ki“. What makes me recollect the oldest numbers out there, God knows 😐 . But the old songs do have their charm….they mirror my sentiments better, I think. Like the song “Afsana“. One stanza starts with, “Tu jo nahin to kuchh bhi, nahin hai bahaar mein….nahin hai bahaar mein“. How apt 🙂

Goodness! I digressed again! This post isn’t about the songs!! Its about the BF!

Did I say I miss him??? Well, that’s an understatement.

I miss him as much as I would a limb or a vital organ. I think, I’ve grown so used to him over the years that his separation seems to almost deprive me of something critical….like breath. In all the years we’ve been together, we’ve barely been away for more than 2 months, at the max 2.5. Since I’ve already crossed the 2.5 threshold, the coming days seem almost painful. I know its just a matter of time before we’ll be together but the ‘matter of time’ isn’t really happening all that quick 😦 . Its summertime and the days just seem longer than usual. To add to the misery, the US Consulate is still holding back my visa. No update on that front yet! I’m so ticked off right now that if you were any closer to me , you’d hear me growl!

Dear BF, if you are reading this, I’m sorry for adding to your misery. I at least have the kids. You are alone….and it breaks my heart to think of what you must be going through.

Simply counting the days till you get back.

Love,

Your wife.

*Sigh*

I seriously wonder how all those Army wives manage without their spouses. My mom did it….I think she deserves  a gallantry award herself. As for me….I’d rather have my BF back 🙂

For those of you interested in songs of heartache, this is what I hum these days . Enjoy the B&W :-


 

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For a few months now, I’ve been contemplating going on a sabbatical. The thought first crept in when I was busy on my previous project and didn’t have the time to breathe. I was cranky, tired and snapped at every given opportunity. Working 12 hours at a stretch for weeks does that to some people. I’m among one of those weak, insipid ones who fall prey to long working hours 😦 . It didn’t help that I also have kids and a family to tend to.

Somewhere along the way, it didn’t seem worth the effort. I was putting in all the hours I could. I know I’m good at what I do, yet, I wasn’t happy. Satisfied maybe. Glad to be doing something with my brain. If I were a housewife, I would most likely be found in the corner of my room, cobwebs hanging over my body, hair in dreadlocks, drool over my chin as I chewed my pencil over Sudoku, level Hard. The kids would be forgotten, cooking would be a distant memory and the BF would  almost be on his way to becoming one.

But I digress.

I like what I do. Which doesn’t really translate to “I LOVE what I do”. I don’t love it. Period. I don’t like taking work back home (though, there are times when I cannot avoid it). Each evening, as I lock up for the day, I’m glad about leaving. I hold my head high and rush out as fast as I can. I never look back. Its not about the work, I’ll admit. I’m sufficiently engrossed when I’m at it to forget to call the BF for his morning call. I’ve even missed out on calling the Pediatrician regarding some ailment of the twins only because I was busy debugging a script (bad parenting example here). I’m glued to the PC because I’m interested in what I’m doing.

Working From Home

Working From Home

The current project I’m working on is much better than the previous one. I like the easy familiarity with the tools and the platform I’m working on. I like the good vibes I share with the people at the client side. Though I’m busy, I’m not neck-deep in it. I do have time to breathe these days 🙂 .

Yet, I think I need the break.

I’ve been contemplating a lot on what I really want to do in the long run. Should I continue in IT or should I venture out to doing stuff that I love?? A really long time back, I’d written a post on how I want to start my own boutique. There was a time when every single dress that I wore bore results of my painful contribution to its look. A little thread-work here, a few sequins there, a little mirror-work on one and sometimes, a little painting on the fabrics. There were other times I thought of taking up writing full time (thats a joke really. And like I said, I was just ‘thinking’ about it 🙂 ) because some people who read me liked what I had written. It was a powerful boost of self-esteem and confidence. It felt good to be appreciated for doing stuff that I loved to do.

When I decided to take a break, I also decided to hunt for other avenues of income, things which didn’t take up as much time as the current one does. I was in a dilemma, because I’m one of those people, the jack-of-all-master-of-none types. There’s a lot I can do, but not good enough to guarantee a regular income! So I thought that maybe I could start writing short stories or articles (only problem being, I suck at social commentaries and my kids HATE my stories 😦 )

So imagine my surprise and consternation when I read this article by my favourte movie reviewer, Baradwaj Rangan ( Since 2007, when I first discovered his blog, I swear I haven’t watched a film unless I read his review first. He is GOOD!!) . A snippet from his blog states this :-

“That’s one thing you’re not really prepared for when you begin to “follow you passion,” that one day it will become a job, and the pieces you used to write at your leisure, for fun, for a break from the daily grind, now come with deadlines. No one tells you that, one day, the passion becomes the daily grind.”

This is exactly what I was afraid of all along, just that he presents it in a much better manner.

I have my work on one side and my hobbies on the other. I like writing. But I also like writing at my leisure, when I feel like it or IF I feel like it. I did a short stint for Parentous. Contributed for a month(thats a total of 4 posts) and then suddenly, it seemed too much. Though I had to contribute just once a week, the pressure of coming up with a meaningful post every week seemed too much. I realized I couldn’t do it. That I was uncomfortable sharing my blog-time on someone else’s blog 😐

When I read BR’s blog, it made sense. My insecurities were not my whims. There was someone else who was facing the same issues. Today, when I get bored of my work, I know that I can turn back to sewing a few sequins or weilding that paint brush. I can sit back and read a good book or turn to my blog to spout my feelings. But what happens if I do all these for a living? I’ll probably enjoy doing all this…..but one day, when I’m tired and bored of it all, what do I do? If my comfort hobbies become my work, then what would be my comfort when I feel like getting away from it all?  Some would suggest that I would need to build up diversity in my hobbies, learn new skills (you are never to old to learn) but after an age, its not everyone’s cup of tea to chart new paths(you cant teach an old dog new tricks!!) .

I’d applied for leave, hoping that I’ll find my calling in something else and follow it. Probably submit my resignation and follow the dicatats of my heart.

But now, I think I’ll just use the leaves for what they were meant to be…..a break. I’m still not ready to change my track. Sure, my work doesn’t bring me big-time happiness. But it brings in the moolah, which kind of compensates for everything else. Plus, if I ever get bored or need a break, there’s so much more I could turn to, to bring me comfort.

For now, I’ll not give in to the temptation to make my passion my work. I’ll let it be what it is……so that when I want to get away from the grind, it is right there, welcoming me as always!

Please do take a few minutes to read BR’s article (link given above). It is brilliant! Puts a lot of things in perspective.

Do let me know if anyone of you has given up their job to follow their heart….I want to hear your side of the story too 🙂

Love,

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Letters

Dear Mr.Bell

What would we do without a phone?? No, no, I don’t mean the smartphones that let us do all but communicate with the dead! I mean the simple little thing you made that made talking across miles possible. The simple wires carrying sounds to lands far and away…making it possible for a very sappy me to talk to my one true love across the oceans!

Yours,

Eternally-Grateful.

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Dear Mom,

How did you do it?? How did you survive for months on end without Dad?? How did you cope when there was no provision of a phone call? I know Dad called up once in a while (make that once in 2-3 months as phone used to be a luxury in border areas his unit was manning). I know you wrote letters, piles of them, but there was no guarantee they would reach him. Or that he would reply 😀

I call up the BF at least thrice a day. He calls me up an equal number of times. And then we have a video chat. We drop mails. In fact, its as if he’s still in town but doesn’t have the time to drop by home 😐 . I hardly realize that he is far far away and that we live in different timezones. What matters is that we are so constantly in touch. He is updated with each day’s activities of the kids. He knows what they’ve been up to, the things they say and the way they behave. Apart from the slight difference in their size (when he sees them next), I doubt he would find anything new!

I cant imagine how you went through those years. Must have been terribly tough, isn’t it? I realize it just now 😦

Yours,

Forever-In-Awe!

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Dear Lui And Shobby,

You’ve taken your father’s absence much better than I had anticipated. I know you miss him and he misses you two, in fact, terribly so. If there is one reason (make that two) for him to give up his work and fly back home, its you. But rather than saying “Abu come back home” all you ever told him on the phone is, “Finish your work and come back home”. Well, he better follow those orders, right? Its cute you know, the way you ask him if he’s done a ‘good job’ of his work 🙂 . I’m sure he’s tickled pink each time he hears it!

I think you are handling his absence admirably well. You were a little whiny initially but lately your temperaments have improved. You don’t give me much trouble and though I risk jinxing myself, I must admit that you two actually listen to me! Your temper tantrums are down by a notch and we actually have reasonable discussions *gasp* (will wonders never cease?!) The only thing you have conspired to do is to keep me running around the house after you two. It is an activity which I thoroughly despise and there seems to be no respite in sight. Alas, I’ll pick the pros over the cons for now 🙂

Please keep up the good behavior even after your father comes back. I do want to take credit for it all 😀

Yours,

Forever-On-The-Toes

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Dear Unix,

Where have you been?? I know, I know, I deserted you…left you for Windows.  Worked on GUIs and became depressed and morose enough to think of quitting my job. Nothing I did seemed worthwhile. I was disillusioned and listless. Work didn’t interest me anymore and I had serious doubts on what I wanted to do next.

Then you came along. My old friend. You forgave me my defection and welcomed me back with open arms.  All those forgotten commands came flooding back -grep, ls, pwd, rm, ant, awk, sed……. So engrossed am I in my VNC that I no longer find the time to blog ( :O ) . I’m totally lost in your console and your prompt ensconces me like home. I’m once more charged up and can see some meaning in the work I do.

Never again am I working on a Windows-based project again. For me, its just gonna be U(nix).

Yours,

Eternally-Smitten.

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Dear BF,

We’ve been together, we’ve been apart. We were then together and then apart. In the last 14 years, I think we’ve had enough instances of being away from each other. Yet, each time it hurts terribly. I miss your presence and your PJs. Being away from the family has robbed you of your under-appreciated sense of humour. Its been ages since I heard you laugh. Okay, maybe not really. You do guffaw out aloud when on video chat with the kids 🙂 .

The twins miss you terribly, but they are more concerned about what you plan to get for them. Me, I miss the fights and the arguments over the use of cupboards, tables and bed. Having all this space to myself is getting a tad unnerving. I’d rather have two shelves in the cupboard after a good, well-deserved win, than having it all to myself on a platter.

*Sigh*

Do come back soon. After you wrap up your work, of course. Wouldn’t want to harm the hand that puts the bread-n-butter on the table, right?!

Yours.

🙂

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Dear US Consulate,

I have no idea what Section 221(g) means. I have no idea why it is termed so. All I know is that I’d like to spend a few months with my husband while he is in your land. I swear that my kids have no ulterior motive other than to fleece their father of his last hard-earned  penny, all in order to help your economy. Why then would you, dear people, label my visa as “Administration pending”. What exactly does it mean? No one seems to give a proper reply. The Visa Officer was highly apologetic when he said my visa was in pending state but he gave no reason for it. Its been more than a month , I haven’t heard a thing from anyone. The pending case_status document hasn’t been updated at all for the day when I had my interview. Pray, give me one hint as to whats going on? Even if my visa is rejected just LET ME KNOW!! I need to plan my leaves accordingly.

Eternally Hopeful.

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The Fairy GodMother

Dear Shobby,

By the time you are old enough to read this, you may not even have an iota of recollection about it. But the moment was too beautiful to ignore. I just had to write it down. I want you to read this and realize, that there is one person on this planet who is so tuned in to you, that your discomfort becomes her’s. Your pain becomes her’s. If you stop smiling, so does she.

No, its not me 🙂 . Even though I do confess to being all the above, I know that another person beats me to it hollow. Your sister, your twin. Lui.

For the past few months, all I’ve seen you two do, is to bicker and fight. You yell at each other, steal each other’s candies, come running to us, tattling about the other and in short, doing your best to convince us to get rid of the other. We parents are having a hard time just maintaining peace around the house 😐

Anyhow, on Sunday 27th Jan 2013, Lui woke up with a bad fever. We had to attend a wedding and your poor sister came along and didn’t create as much of a fuss as expected. We returned in the evening and both of you, for once, allowed me to get some shut-eye without screaming. You were a bundle of energy throughout the day, bouncing all over the wedding hall, getting in people’s way and just having a ball 🙂 . Towards evening, I hoped you would tire and relax for a bit.

Fat chance!

You were in no mood to oblige and kept bouncing all over the house. In between, you came hopping to me on one leg, claiming you wanted to go to the loo. As is the case these days, I switched on the light of the loo and turned my back. You, my little skipper, hopped into the loo, on one leg. Now I needn’t say what happens when a bubbly little kid does a one-leg hop on the wet tiles of a loo. Within a fraction of a second, you had bumped both shins against the hard ledge of the step-up loo. You let out a yell that was so full of pain that I dropped the washed clothes I was hanging up to dry and rushed to you.

You were hurt, very badly….there were nasty bumps on both your shins. You cried fat tears and I did all I could to calm you down. After a brief check to see if any bones were broken (thankfully not), I applied iodex and wrapped your legs in crepe bandage. It was disheartening to see your earlier cheerful face reduced to a glum, morose one.

Lui took your fall really bad. She was upset and kept pestering me to press your legs (“Shooby ke paer dabao”). Even when you slept on the sofa, she rushed inside to get you a blanket which she tucked lovingly under your chin. When you complained that you couldn’t see the TV, she ran back inside and fetched you a pillow. As you lay there, wallowing in self-pity, she dragged me into the kitchen and forced me to prepare a glass of sherbet. When I handed her the glass, she took a spoon and then proceeded to feed you the sherbet spoon by spoon. Its a different matter that she spilled a lot and you got bored of it and finally, I had to take the glass away from her. I just want  you to know, that in those few moments, when she was mothering you, I had a lump the size of a fist lodged in my throat. I could have stretched my hand for my phone and clicked a few snaps, but the beauty of her actions left me immobile. I just wish and pray, that you are able to imagine and feel the love she showered on you that day. I want you to realize that even at the tender age of four years, your sister felt your pain and did everything she could, to relieve you. And all this while, she was running a high temperature herself!!Even if you cant remember, just close your eyes after reading this post.

You are lucky my boy….she is a gem of a sister. You can have your squabbles, but don’t forget to cherish her, pamper her, humour her. She has her tantrums but she also has the deep-seated love for you. She may yell at you, but she can’t bear us yelling at you. She may scream and accuse you of stealing all her candies, but she also wakes me up in the night to make sure that you haven’t kicked away your blanket. She’s a bundle of contradictions, but she’s also your best buddy and forever companion. Treasure her, make her feel as special as she makes you feel. Beat up the baddies for her as she beats them up for you. Fight for her, protect her, love her. Because she does all this and more for you.

Take care of her too, because she is not just your twin sister, she’s also your fairy Godmother.

Yours (and Lui’s too)

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With the BF out of the country on work, I’m busy fretting what to do next. I mean, since every second of my spare time was spent in needling him towards the abyss of irritation, I have no idea how I will use up my time now 😐

I’m still writing him enough mails but this time, I think he’s actually enjoying them (he hasn’t yet begged me to stop the deluge). Fret. Fret. Fret 😦

Its terrible, you know, to get so used to a person around you that you have no clue how to go on when the said person isn’t around. I think I went around in circles back there but again, I’m too lazy to correct it.

*Sigh*

My mind refuses to be still. I’ve been day-dreaming about him since morning and its doing me no good. There’s a status report that needs to go out to the clients today and you know what?! I couldn’t care less 😐

Somebody help me !

BF, if you are reading this, then let me tell you how I feel right now –

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Dear Friend,

I made a resolution this year that when I felt something was wrong, I would make sure that I voice that opinion. I’m speaking out now.

After more than a decade of friendship, of ups and downs, of cramming for exams and scrounging for projects, of late-night Maggis and late-night movie shows, of early morning coffee and CDs played on my computer, we’ve done it all. You were always the quiet and shy one and I would be the brash one, speaking out for when you when you clammed up!  You would goad me into asking the teachers for an off if you didn’t feel like attending class. I would do it.I used to bargain for you when you went shopping (remember the time you liked a particular pair of shoe but didn’t want to pay more than 100/- for it? I haggled with the shopkeeper for it the next day, insisting that I wanted that very pair, even though it was a size small for me. He must have thought me a nut-case, buying shoes that don’t fit!). I could have left you to fight your own battles but I didn’t.

And this is why, I blame myself as much as I blame you for what I feel about the status of our friendship now.

For the last few years, I’ve realized that the equation of our friendship has changed. I’m not sure if you realize when exactly this change came about but I can pinpoint the exact time frame – August 2005. I’m sure this date must have triggered some dormant memories. Dormant for you but not for me. Because I remember the days that followed after that very well. Days, that didn’t turn out too good or favorable for me.

Before I go into the specifics, I’ll let you on a secret. You are a joy to be with – when you are not in the circle of your family. Maybe that’s why the first year of college with you was so much fun. You were gay, unabashed, spoke your mind and were a riot. In the second year, your family settled in town and you moved in with them. Though you were still fun to be with, you weren’t as gay and unabashed as before. Cautious, is what you were. You were careful about what you said and did. I did irk me a bit, but then, I wasn’t so into dissecting personalities.

Honestly speaking, over the last few years, I’ve thought a hundred times about breaking ties with you. I realized that my friendship meant nothing to you. You never really were around during my bad times and when I was around for you, I was reprimanded by your family while you stood by meekly. You neither defended me nor apologized later for the insults I had to bear. At one point, I realized what a grave mistake I had made by taking your side when you came to me for help. Remember this line. You came to me. Till then, I had NO IDEA what was brewing. I had NO IDEA what trouble you were in. I was about to leave town to return God-Knows-When and there you were, sobbing buckets. I did the best I could, FOR YOU. I stood up for you when there was no one besides you. I faced your family FOR YOU.

And that, in Aug 2005 was my biggest mistake.

For years after that, your family has been more than rude to me. Maybe you didn’t realize it. Or just maybe, you realized and chose to keep quiet. Like always. Even before Aug 2005, when results came out in college and I was interrogated on my marks in each subject. Like the time I got my first job and I was asked to give a salary break-up description. Like the time, after a late evening show, I waited with you at a lonely bus-stop till your parents came to pick you up, since no autos were going your way (I could still hail down autos going my way). At 11:30 in the night, when your parents finally came, you hopped into your car and drove away, leaving me alone on a deserted stretch of road. Neither you nor your parents realized the slight. For a whole 10 minutes after that, I stood there in shock, my mouth agape. I waited, because I thought you guys might come back to pick me. My house was after all, almost half-way through to your’s. You didn’t come back (didn’t it bother you one bit that I waited there at the bus-stop for your sake?! Didn’t you owe me anything??). Somehow, when I reverse the position and think of you in my place, I KNOW that my dad would have driven you home even if your house was in the other end of the city. Sure he would have given us an earful, but that would have been out of concern for our safety. For days and years after that, you acted as if that incident didn’t happen. You never acknowledged, nor apologized.

Around 12 am, I finally gathered the guts to call the BF, who woke up from his slumber  and drove halfway across the city to drop me home. He gave me a tongue lashing throughout the ride. I didn’t deserve that flak. What surprises me is that when you have to be dropped at the airport at an ungodly hour, your parents called up the BF and asked him to do the needful. Not requested, mind you, just told him to do so. Somehow, their daughter is precious, but someone else’s isn’t?!  If we weren’t old buddies, the BF wouldn’t have. But frankly, he isn’t as heartless.

It hurts me terribly as I type this. I’ve been meaning to vent it out to you personally over the years. But then again, I realized that being vocal isn’t your strength. Instead of a discussion, I would be talking to a statue. You would sit patiently, waiting for me to get over and offer nothing in return. Not even the benefit of a good yell. Even as you read this, I don’t expect a reaction. I’m a little miffed that I’m taking the cowardly path and writing this down instead of confronting you. I can’t help it. I just have the consolation that maybe, someday, you will read this post.

I really cannot carry this load anymore. Each time I decided to severe ties with you, the BF calmed me down and pointed out that this lifetime was too short to hold grudges. He’s right. So even though I was insulted a hundred times, even though I vowed never to step into your doorway again, I did. Each time I did it for you. You are aware of the first time the insults started.  This was when your mom called me and another friend to reprimand us for being a wrong influence on you.

Wrong influence?! You were 25+ at that time. Not a teenager!

What was our crime?? We had boyfriends. I went ahead to marry mine. The other one is yet to marry hers. But do you remember the actual accusation?? I do. It was implied, directly that I pushed you into doing what you did. That I was the one who initiated the actual problem. I vehemently denied the accusation and looked to you for help. You sat there meekly, letting your mom do all the talking. We understood that with deference to your mother you would not be able to say anything. But what about later?? Wasn’t an apology due from your side? At least a confession that you agree we were misjudged and wrongly accused! You gave away nothing. It was almost as if along with your mother , even you were convinced that we were at fault! For months after that, I and the other friend wondered where we went wrong. How could your actions be cleanly dumped on our shoulders?? We weren’t even aware what you were up to!! What hurt more, was the way you used us.

We were invited to your wedding and though the BF would be missing out on an extremely crucial office meet, against our better judgment, we agreed to go. The other two friends’ family kept a condition that they would allow their daughters to travel the distance only if me and BF also came along. For their sake, we agreed to come. Since we couldn’t leave the kids behind, I dragged them along too. That was another terrible mistake. In the peak of summer, you were magnanimous in giving us a dorm that was without air-conditioning. Your reason of keeping the four of us together lacked substance. How exactly do you suppose the other two girls would have managed to change clothes or sleep with the BF in the same room? With the blistering heat outside, the friends were kind enough to adjust for the BF’s sake so that he didn’t have to step out in the heat each time. Not only that, the dorm was converted into a dining area, with breakfast, lunch and dinner buffet throughout the day. The workers would come early in the morning for setting up the tables and would walk in till late at night after the last of the dinner was cleared up.  Your guests would linger on, chatting. We didn’t get a moment’s peace or privacy throughout the day. The children didn’t get a decent hour’s sleep(at the age of 1.5 years they deserved it though). The heat made my daughter ill. When we requested for a room change, we were told that none were available. This was before the last batch of your friends turned up on the day of the wedding.  They got AC rooms, by the way. The BF suggested that we move out to a better hotel outside, but on discussion with the others, we collectively thought that it’d be rude to your family. Surprisingly, no one from your family was considerate about us. Frankly, only because all four of us protested vehemently that the dorm wasn’t converted into a bar for the daru-party planned for later on the wedding night.

I doubt you can feign ignorance about all this, or maybe you can. I really don’t know anymore.

All I know is that your family has treated me beneath your status, class, whatever!! You, in turn,  have treated me more like an errand boy than a friend. In fact, I wouldn’t mind running the errands, its just that your acknowledgement of my efforts doesn’t exist. Each time you need something you give me a call. Each time I decide I wouldn’t do it anymore and then I give in. I end up at your doorstep to help you out.

When you came to town this time, you called me up to get a lady to help with the massage. On my kid’s birthday, leaving the preparations behind, I came with the said lady to your house. What did I get for my efforts?? Just a lot of flak on how massages are useless and not really needed. I think you should have had this conversation and come to a decision with your mother before calling me. I didn’t need to make an attempt to convince her on why exactly it would be good for you. With the first word of dissent from her side, I could have walked out. I didn’t. For YOU. Because I knew it would do you good. Because I knew you needed it. You kept quiet while I argued your case with your own mother!!! Your silence is what irks me the most!!

When I suggested places where you could buy diapers for cheap, I was told rather rudely by your mom that they could be bought for the same rate at other places. Made me whack myself for even bringing up the suggestions for you. I’ll never learn, I guess. I did keep my distance from you after that. Each visit to your house leaves me with a bitter taste in my mouth.

Now tell me, how do you expect me to react when you send me a message and ask me to deliver 150 diapers of varying sizes, from the very place I had suggested before, at your doorstep before you leave town? How exactly do you suppose I’m expected to carry out the feat?? Take an off from work to travel to the heart of the city? Strap the huge packs on my scooty and travel right across the city? What would I get in return for all my efforts?? Why should I do it??

Let me remind you again. I’m NOT your errand-boy. I’m a married woman who works full time and has two kids to boot. Your assumption that I’ll always be available at your beck and call is highly misplaced. However terrible your circumstances, they aren’t so bad that you can’t call up JustDial, take the number of BigBazaar and have the diapers delivered to your home. By the way, you do have other friends in this city, don’t you (the ones we lovingly call your ‘AC friends’)? Why don’t you ask them for these favors? But you won’t, I’ll tell you why? Because you care for what they might think. You are apprehensive of approaching others, whereas with me, you simply call up and order. Words like ‘Please’, ‘Thank You’ or ‘Sorry’ were never a part of your vocabulary. After all these years, I don’t expect them either.

The only person who’s hurting right now is me. I never expected it to reach a situation like this. But I’m sorry to say, it was long due. I’m tired of taking insults from your family and grinning through it. I’m tired of being treated like a sidekick. I’m upset that along with making me run errands, you have no qualms in expecting my husband to do the same.I’m upset that in all these years, you kept quiet when you shouldn’t have. You may argue that this is the way you are. But darling, I’m tired of standing up for you when you cant stand up for yourself. Its a pity you allow your parents to run your life even now. I know for sure that your mother disapproves of me. I don’t want to continue this farce of being friends when your expectations from me are solely based on what I can do for you. Try to remember, when was the last time you did something for me, however trivial?!

I’m not sure when you will read this or whether you ever will. I don’t care. Whenever you do, please remember, it is harder on me as I write this than it will be on you as you read. The first draft of this post was much scathing. But like the BF says, this lifetime is too short to carry grudges. I don’t want to carry that weight. If you are upset over this post, I’m sorry, it couldn’t be helped. If you want to burn the bridges, then call me. If you value even a percent of our friendship, call me and let me know if you realize the injustice meted out to me. The ball is in your court now. If you don’t call, its okay. It would be something that I would expect from you.

But for once, break the mould. Surprise me. Speak up!

I wish you and your family all the happiness in this world. May you enjoy your new city and your new life.

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Rather late in the day if you ask me, but better late than never, right?!

I’ve been meaning to compile a list of New Year resolutions that will, InshaAllah, last for more than the end of this month 😀

No, I’m not opting for weight reduction, eating healthier, working less and the likes. Those kind of resolutions don’t work. The ones I’m aiming are for better personality development. Thats right. I have a crappy personality which makes me fit for the role of a doormat. I’ve been walked over all my life and I guess its time now to put an end to it. The worst part is that  I know my one major failing and yet I’ve never actively done anything to counter it. The kids are growing up fast and absorbing things rapidly. I want to bring about a change in myself before they get to see this weakness in me 😐

So, without further dillydallying, in no particular order, presenting my list for 2013 –

1) Listen More

listen-more

Jumper-of-conclusions, thats me 🙂 . My overactive mind cannot wait for someone to finish what they are saying and I chip in with inputs even in their slightest pauses. This either puts them off track for a while before they recover and collect themselves or worse, they believe I’m mocking them and they drop the topic . This is something which upsets me because inadvertently, I hurt the people I try to ‘help’.

So yeah, unless the pause stretches for more than  a minute, I’ll keep quiet and wait. Sometimes, its the silence which speaks. I need to learn to listen to those!

2) Talk Less

talk-less

Follows 1) right in the footsteps. Foot-in-mouth-itis needs to be controlled. This is the year to keep the foot where it rightfully belongs – in the shoes.

3) Say No

say-no

I took me more than a decade to finally muster up the courage and say NO to a friend recently. My only guilt is that I replied through a message and not upfront. I think I’m as much of a coward as she is. This year, I plan to say No if I mean No. Bending backwards is not really doing me any good. There are very few people who are ready to do it for me and giving out free service at the cost of my time, my job and my kids is no longer acceptable to me. So this year, if I cant make it to a party, I’ll say, “No, I cannot come”, instead of evading it with a “Maybe”, “I’ll see if I can”, etc. If people make me run errands when I barely have 5 minutes to myself, I’ll say, “No, but I won’t be able to do your bidding. Find someone else!”

Its not easy, since I’m a very affable person and my friends know that I’ve always been around for them any time of the day/year. Alas, some of these very friends have misconstrued my loyalty as servility and have no qualms in making me run around for them. Not anymore.

4) Speak Up

speak-up

Not to be confused with 2). While I generally talk nineteen to a dozen when not required, I somehow clam up when I should be speaking up! Apart from my lack of ability to say ‘No’, I also lack the guts to speak out at the right time. When a situation occurs, I’m mostly tongue-tied, falling silent and facing  misery. Later, I look back and wonder, “what if I’d said this”, or “I should have said that”. Its futile, really, because the moment is long past. The people who should have heard what I have to say, have long ago left my company, taking my silence for acceptance of what they say. Not anymore. This year, I plant o speak up right then and there, when I find something which does not suit my sensibilities.

5) Worry Less

worry-less

He he 🙂  . Okay, this one’s a bouncer, coz seriously, I have the genes of the most manic worriers in history – my parents! My every pore worries. Considering there are millions of them constricting their cells in worry right this minute, this is going to be one very impossible task. But, I’ve got to at least attempt to take things easy , no? Its not as if I can measure the quantity of worry I indulge in on a daily basis. But if I can sleep easy at night without a zillion thoughts clouding my mind, I will call myself victorious 🙂

6) Laugh More

laugh-more

Hmmm….This one’s not difficult but given that my preference for humour hovers over the sardonic to dry-wit, laughing out loud is not an activity I indulge in often. I’m more of  a smirk or giggle type. Joke books can draw a chuckle from me, nothing more. The BF’s jokes take me one step closer to suicide. How exactly does one laugh out loud often?? I’ve heard laughing is good for the heart and I want my ticker to last as long as possible! Any pointers?

7) Shop Less

shop-less

As I write this, I have 3 new hand bags sitting in my cupboard. I bought a new pair of sandals last Sunday when I already had two new ones awaiting inauguration 😐 . Last month, I bought 4 pairs of jeans for the twins on a whim and the very next week, they were gifted 2 each by my family when they came visiting. The family also gifted me dress materials (3 of them) and yet, I went ahead and bought two new ones for myself. In the interim, the MIL also gifted me one.  Lui and Shobbs have close to 15 sets of shoes between them, some which were worn only one or twice before the kids outgrew them.

I buy more stuff than I use. Its not as though I’m a compulsive buyer. I’m just a reckless one. I buy stuff even though I know its not needed! Needless to say, my bank account is always hovering over the ’empty’ mark. I just manage to get through the month. I have no personal savings to speak of and in nearly a decade of work experience, I’ve never collected enough money to buy myself even a pair of gold ear-rings!

Time to rethink the spending habit, methinks 😐

8) Read More

read-more

Need I say more 🙂 ?!

9) Value Family

val-familyLast year, I did the unforgivable thing of keeping my family secondary to my work. I spent more time at work than with kids. When parents came over, I gave them a few hours. This, after I saw them after nearly 2 years!! All because there were deadlines at work, the dev code was breaking , there were hundreds of issues, etc. It ALL seems so trivial now. The code still has a hundred issues, we knew they would be there. 5 months of dev-code cannot be tested in a week’s time! Yet, I put in all the hours I could. Leaving early in the morning and returning around 11:30 in the night. I ended up having an accident and yet reported to work!! All bruised and in pain, but seated at my machine and hard at work. For some unknown reason, my manager casually mentioned in my appraisal that I didn’t seem ‘serious’ about my work. All because I used to laugh off the physical pain and the hurt within at being deprived time with people I love. It was misconstrued as my carelessness and lack of seriousness. Oh-hum! Each to his own, I guess.

It did teach me something vital though. Work is temporary. Family is eternal. I have to be there with them. They may not need me, but I sure as hell need them!!

10) Enjoy Friends

enjoy-friends

What would we do without friends? Last year, I all but lost contact with most of my friends. Didn’t call, rarely messaged. My FB account is all but non-existant and my one window to the world, my blog, was snatched away from me by the sys-admins 😦

I was off blogging and off contact with friends for so long that when I call friends these days, I start with, “Remember me??”

To correct this one error, me and the BF started off the new year by having lunch with our dear friends and then spending the day together. He is, after all, my Best Friend 😀 (I really should rename him from BF to BFF. It would be more apt!!)

I also need to re-think my equations with people I’ve called friends as long as I can remember. Alas, they are unaware of the friendship pact. I thought it used to be a ‘give-and-take’. Some friends have been just taking for so long now that I’m tired of giving 😐 . I just need to let them know.

Thats all for now folks. By the way, I’ll let you on in a secret . I finally have internet access!! At WORK!! 😀 😀 😀  (Dont ask me how, its a long story!) I’ve missed out on reading SO MANY BLOGS!! If I started now, I’d never get any work done. So yeah, what I wanted to say is that, if you have written any of your resolutions for 2013, do share the link 🙂

Hope 2013 treats everyone fairly!!

Cheers…have a great weekend 🙂

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Is it true that what you do on the first day of the new year is the indication for how the rest of the year will be?

If yes, then no doubt I would want my year to go by just like it did yesterday 🙂

It was a working day, sadly. All my friends had an off and I didn’t. Not that it really mattered. I’m not the types to party late to bring in the New Year. I did bake a cake though. A Chocolate-walnut delight which was better by my own standards. Its a different matter that the cake still wasn’t ready by zero hour (the idea to bake the cake struck me around 10:30 pm in the night, after which I scavenged around for the ingredients and somehow rustled it up). The in-laws gave up waiting for the cake. They are early risers and its a tough task to keep them awake beyond 11pm. They bravely fought off the sleep but eventually, it took over and they trudged back to their room. The BIL, me, BF and kids passed the time by watching some inane awards ceremony which looked like the king of ‘so-blatantly-rigged-you-can-figure-out-the-winner-by-just-looking-at-the-nomination-list. It was fun though…we were bang-on! each time 😀

Anyhow, it struck 12, we wished each other , smothered the kids with kisses, had a last look at the still-rising cake, checked the timer and sighing heavily, clambered into bed. We had a long working day ahead.

First of January began like any other day. Into the kitchen. Rush rush rush. Wake up the kids, rush rush rush. Get ready, rush rush rush. In between, old friends BFS and BFG messaged to check if we could meet for lunch. We hummed and hawed, called up each other, calculated the time required for lunch and our other appointments (me and the BF had work, BFG had to attend a wedding) and finally decided on a venue close to my office. I left immediately for work, aware that I needed to show my face around before I would disappear for nearly 2nhalf hours around noon. The BF would drop the kids at their day-care before joining us.

The lunch was wonderful. The company, even more so. I’m SO glad that after all these years, the BFFs and us (me and the BF) are still together  that we can still have a good time and catch up from wherever we had left off in the last meet . We missed BFC, though she’s in town, she now has a bonny little boy to take care of. The  said bonny-little-boy does not like his Momma leaving him for even a second and him being a barely 3-month-old, we couldn’t risk having BFC getting him across the city to where we were meeting. Anyhow, lunch was serious fun. We ribbed each other, pulled the BF’s leg (he was a minority 😐 ), ate heartily and if it wasn’t for our respective schedules, would have continued to sit there and gossip.

Something happened as I stepped out of the restaurant. I don’t know what it was, but it struck me so strongly that I was breathless for a second. It was the realization that I didn’t want to go back to work !! The feeling was so fierce, that instead of thinking about it further, I made a decision right there. “I’m not going back to office”, I announced.

“What??”, said the BF.

“Wow!! Thats great”, said BFS.

“Want to plan something?” asked BFG.

I looked at the BF, waiting.

“Err…..I need to be in office for at least an hour…some work….”.

“I’ll wait”.

“Alright then, hop in!”.

And so, it was decided on the spur of the moment that I would bunk, the BF would quickly wrap up his work and bunk too. We had no plan in mind, but were excited to just spend time together 🙂 . I called up my manager with a fib, but it really wasn’t required as there was no particular work I was assigned for the day and even before I could state my excuse, he said ‘okay’. Oh well!!

(I’m seriously hoping that the said manager doesn’t read this 😐 )

We dropped BFS and her mother to the wedding venue (BFS declared she was incapable of  eating even a morsel more 😀 ) and drove to the BF’s office, which was miles and miles away. It was a nice long drive, some good songs for company and a nice stuffed feeling in my tummy. Frankly, I did dream of doing an about-turn, going home and getting into a deep slumber. But then, opportunities like these, of me going absconding with the BF, rarely come by and it would be a shame to let it pass by, wouldn’t it?

Once at the BF’s office, I settled into the plush couch in the reception and pulled out the latest book I’m currently reading (The Immortals of Meluha. Yeah, I know….caught this train pretty late, didn’t I ? 🙂 ). After an hour we took a coffee break in the cafeteria. The BF still had some work. I didn’t mind waiting, since I had a captivating book to keep me company. In between, I even entered his cabin to check if he really was working 😀 . I am suspicious of people who sit in cabins. For all we know, they are the picture of  utmost concentration as they struggle to place the next card in the Freecell/Solitaire deck 🙂 .

Alas, the BF was working. He wrapped up quickly though.

It was long, lovely drive we took back. From one end of the city, we drove right till the other end. The BF had to collect a few clothes from the Raymond showroom on MG road. Parcels in hand, we shopped around a bit for the kids, new shoes for Lui and a sweatshirt for Shobbs. Finally, with our arms laden with purchases, we headed back home.

After a nice homely dinner with the family, I started readying the kid’s school bags and uniforms (assuming that their school commences today after the winter break. Alas, it starts tomorrow). After a session of storytelling , the kids finally dropped off to sleep.

And as I lay my head on the pillow, I realized how terribly happy I felt 🙂 . I had spent the day with my best friends and my loved ones. I seriously wish I have many more such days to spend time with people who matter!

I didn’t do an iota of work and didn’t have the slightest tinge of guilt about it (now, that’s worrying!). My forecast for the year says that I should look forward to drastic changes on the work-front. I wonder what it means. Either I’ll be quitting my job for some other line of work, or maybe, just maybe, I’ll be chucked out of this place and remain jobless.

The best part is that, unlike earlier, the possibility of being jobless doesn’t rankle me any more . If thats my fate, so be it. Oh man! I sound so……so  mature!

Looks like 2013 is the year when I finally grow up 😀

So, how was your new year?? Anything  interesting  happened?? Do let me know 🙂

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…………..of 2012!

The last few months have not been good to me. Much of it was of my doing. Call it procrastination, mismanagement or just plain ‘I-want-to-run-away-from-it-all’ phase!

To say that I could have handled it better, would be an understatement. I could have done a WHOLE lot better. But the truth is, I didn’t. And somehow, I let people walk all over me.  I let my work affect my personal life. Obviously, it wasn’t taken to very kindly at home. I became even more irritable. The children sensed it and became all the more cranky. It was terrible.

My method of facing it all was unconventional.  I moped a bit. Fell ill. Had an accident (purely unintended 😀 ) . And I came through it all. The only reason I stopped posting was because I was disillusioned. Nothing seemed good enough to write about anymore. Yes, even about the kids. They were the shining, bright lights in my life, yet I couln’t bring myself to write about them.

And then, 16th December happened.

It was painful, just imagining what the girl must have gone through. And somehow, that put a LOT of things in the right perspective. Here I was, struggling to get through the silliest (in retrospection) troubles in life , whereas there was someone out there struggling with a much bigger battle. Alone. It seems so futile now, all those worries and bitterness that I harboured for the last few months. It hasn’t helped me in the least. Rather, I lost some really precious updates on my children. I could have posted, but I didn’t. My self-imposed exile has hurt no one more than me.

2013 is at the door step. Though not all together easy, my one and sole resolution for the new year would be to keep family as my primary goal and work secondary. When I look back now, I realize that all the extra hours and efforts I had put in at work, were useless. I lost the precious time when my kids were learning new things. I wasted the precious time when my entire family was in town after 2 long years. I wasted the time by not being around for a dear cousin’s wedding. I wasted the time when the In-Laws came back from Hajj, all exhausted and gaunt and I wasn’t around to help them with the hordes of guests. Yes, I wasted a lot of time. The work that I did in office, just wasn’t worthy of the sacrifices I made.

Not anymore. Its going to be straight nine-hours of work for me and not an hour extra 🙂

And I promise to blog more often 🙂

 On that note, have a GREAT YEAR people! Let 2013 have fewer calamities and more joy, fewer deaths and more birthdays, fewer vehicles (I wish 🙄 ) and more trees. Let us all cherish what we have today, be content and be happy 🙂

Ameen.

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I’ve been MIA for the last week and for good reason too.
The In-Laws left for Hajj on Monday night (Alhamdulillah). Needless to say, it was a madhouse at the MomOfRS household with relatives, friends and well-wishers dropping by to pay their respects and to request prayers on their behalf.

The in-laws had to attend a 40-day workshop on the procedures and rituals that need to be followed during the 40-day pilgrimage. They will, in fact be staying for 45 days, since this year is the year of Al-Hajj Al-Akbar. After attending a host of coaching classes, medical tests, vaccinations and the works, they were declared ready for the holiest of all journeys 🙂 .
Labaikallah humma labaik, labaika la shareeka labaik.

Since the trip was for 45 days, the MIL didn’t get a leave beforehand, so she had to work full-time on Monday, which was kind of sad, because we were hoping that she get some rest before the journey began (they had to leave for Mumbai around 1am Tuesday, check-in was at 7am and the flight departure was at 11am. The minute they land at Jeddah, they have a bus to Mecca and from there, they have to proceed for the first arkaan ).
But the rush of family and friends prevented her from getting a shut-eye even for five minutes 😦
The only upside was that the minute they landed in Mecca, all physical discomforts and tiredness was forgotten. They were excited, exhilarated and at peace 🙂

Not much of the peaceful scenario back home, I’m afraid.
Firstly, this is the first time in my nearly 6 years of married life that I’m left alone to manage the household all by myself 😐 . Earlier, there was the GMIL and after her, it was MIL who looked into the nitty-gritties of home-work. To add to my woes, possibly EVERYONE around me shared my low opinion on my capabilities 😦 . People consoled me by the dozens, volunteering their time and efforts, ready to babysit the twins and even come and stay with us till the in-laws return. It was actually very kind of them all…..but somewhere inside , I felt the deep urge to prove them all wrong.
Heck, its just 45 days, right?!
How can I not manage for a measly month and a half?
So what if I didn’t know till now how much we paid the maids?
So what if I didn’t know where the gas-cylinder books were kept or the milk coupons were?
So what if I shudder involuntarily at the thought of managing so many people on my own??
Today is the third day and I’m glad to say, we haven’t sunk yet. This ship still sails and how 😀 !!
The BF and the BIL are cooperating in a much better way than before…..ready to juggle work-hours and take up little responsibilities at home. The twins….well, no change in the twins, except that they keep asking for their grandparents, wondering why they aren’t back yet 😐

On my part, I want to redo the entire house by the time they return. I plant to buy new plants (because the all the old ones DIED. Yes, I managed to kill them all again 😦 ), just so that the terraces don’t look funny with all those empty pots.
I plan to refurbish the drawing room, add some cupboards to the kitchen (also get some pest-control done), clear up half the mess in my room, paint a wall bright orange, or maybe, we’ll just paint a wall with a nice jungle theme 😀 , visits all the relatives I never made time for before, take the kids to places we kept planning to take them to but never did (which does not mean malls and theaters!! These items are still off the list!) and essentially, make time for stuff I never made time for before. This includes a lot of home-improvement activities. I mean, the idea is to pleasantly surprise the in-laws when they return, not give them the proverbial cardiac 😀
I have two willing and  able assistants to fulfill these plans, we now await this weekend, when we will finally chalk out a plan on what all we need to do and how to go about doing it.
Its gonna be fun 🙂
The twins will of course, come under everyone’s feet, but what the hell, we’ll let them paint a wall by themselves 😀
Its sure gonna be fun.
Wait. I said that already 😐
What the heck, I’ll say it again 🙂

PS: Will do a proper (read : appropriately solemn) post on the in-law’s Hajj trip once they get back (with the pictures, I hope !). It is indeed a once in a lifetime opportunity and me and the BF seriously plan to put in our names for the next year’s list.

Thats all for today. Have a nice day you all. Be good 🙂

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