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Monday Laughs

Its rather late in the day, but what the hell, its still Monday here. Got some funnies in my mailbox after a long time.
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Two deaf men were in a coffee shop discussing their wives.
One signs to the other, boy was my wife mad at me last night! She went on and on and wouldn’t stop!
The other Buddy says when my wife goes off on me I just don’t pay her any attention.
How do you do that? Says the other.

It’s easy! I just turn off the light!
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One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in a small town wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, “Hey, don’t you know who I am?” The man says, “Yep, sure do.”
Satan says, “Well, aren’t you afraid of me?”
The man says, “Nope, sure ain’t.”
Satan, perturbed, says, “And why aren’t you afraid of me?”
The man says, “Well, I’ve been married to your sister for 25 years.”
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A blonde decides to try horse back riding without prior experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off
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Have a great week folks 🙂



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Monday Laughs :)

Working for the client that I do, can’t help but feel that these days I am gravitating towards farm jokes 🙂

How else can I explain the stock of farm-jokes I’ve been collecting lately?!

And yeah, since I’m feeling generous, am posting more than a few 🙂

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Rancher JohnFarmer Jokes

Old ranch owner John farmed a small ranch in Montana.  The Montana Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his workers and sent an agent out to interview him.

‘I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,’ demanded the agent.

‘Well,’ replied old John, ‘There’s my ranch hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a week plus free room and board. Then there’s the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night.’

‘That’s the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit,’ says the agent.

‘That would be me,’ replied old rancher John.

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Have You Heard This One?

Yokel joke

Two west country yokels were on the train heading homewards through Somerset, England when one of them noticed some cows.

‘What a lovely bunch of cows.’ he remarked.
‘Not a bunch, herd,’ his mate replied.

‘Heard of what?’
‘Herd of cows.’

‘Of course I’ve heard of cows.’

‘No, a cow herd.’

‘What do I care what a cow heard.  I have no secrets to keep from a cow.’

(Okay….you can officially kill me for this 😀 )

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Settling a cow case

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher’s prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn’t resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, “You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn’t have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn’t have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!”

The old rancher replied, “Well, I’ll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning.”

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Winning Nobel prize

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, “Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?”

The farmer replies, “I’m trying to win a Nobel Prize.”

“How?” asks the man, puzzled.

“Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field.”

(stab, stab, stab!!!)

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Amazing talking cow

A man’s car stalled on a country road one morning. When the man got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. “Your trouble is probably in the carburetor,” said the cow.

Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. The amazed man told the farmer his story.

“Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?” asked the farmer. “Yes, yes,” the man replied.

“Oh! I wouldn’t listen to Bessie,” said the farmer. “She doesn’t know a thing about cars.”
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And I guess I better stop here 🙂



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Monday Laughs :)

Male or Female


From the Washington Post Style Invitation, in which it was postulated that English should have male and female nouns, and readers were asked to assign a gender to nouns of their choice and explain their reason :-

The best submissions:

SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

TIRE: Male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it… and, of course, there’s the hot air part.

SPONGES: Female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

MAGIC 8 BALL: Male, because it gives monosyllabic answers that usually
indicate it did not pay attention to your question.

WEB PAGE: Female, because it is always getting hit on.

SHOE: Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

ZIPLOC BAGS: Male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS: Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER: Male, because it hasn’t evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it’s handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL: Female…Ha!…you thought I’d say male. But consider, it gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

CRITIC: Female, What, this needs to be explained?

😀



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Monday Laughs :)

It’s All in the Name

A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma.

Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, ‘Ma’am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Cork came in and named them.’

The woman thinks to herself, ‘Oh No!!! not my brother… he’s an idiot!’

She asks the doctor, ‘Well, what’s the girl’s name?

‘Denise.’

‘Wow, that’s not a bad name, I like it! What’s the boy’s name?’

 ‘Denephew.’

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Monday Laughs :)

Please don’t kill me for this 🙂

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A man limps into a doctor’s office and asks the doctor to inspect his leg. The man says, “Doc, my leg’s feeling funny. Here, put your ear to my knee.”

The doctor puts his ear to the man’s knee and hears very faintly, “Come on, can I have five bucks, just five bucks?”

The doctor steps back in horror, and the man says, “I know, but it gets worse. Put your ear to my shin.”

The doctor puts his ear to the man’s shin and hears very faintly, “Come on, can I have ten bucks, just ten bucks?”

Once again, the doctor stands up, very perplexed. The man then says, “If that surprises you, put your ear to my ankle.”

The doctor puts his ear to the man’s ankle and hears oh so faintly, “Come on, can I have twenty bucks, just twenty bucks?”

The doctor then stands up and says, “Well, I can I make just one conclusion. Your leg is broke in three places.”

😐

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Monday Laughs :)

What would I do without faithful friends who send me forwards 😀 !!

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The following questions were asked in a General Knowledge examination.
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds’)…………and they WILL breed.

*cough*American teens*cough*

Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight.

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist upon?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

(Shoot yourself now, there is little hope.)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

(At least they get to travel!)

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

(So true!)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow. (Simple, but brilliant.)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized? (e.g. The abdomen.)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U..

( 😐 !)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie. (This person has a career in politics awaiting!)

Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean?
A. Nearby.

Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

(That would work.)

Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Cesarean section’.
A. The Cesarean section is a district in Rome .

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.

(Julius Seizure : ” I came, I saw, I had a fit! “)

Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable!)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like tiny umbrellas.

Q. Use the word ‘judicious’ in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)

Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight. (Brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head.

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Monday Laughs :)

There was once an island kingdom whose people were all fabulously wealthy. Even though they could have afforded to live anywhere they wanted, tradition dictated they stay on their tiny island home.
Eventually, their king became frustrated and called a meeting of the tribe’s elders. He said he wanted them to figure out a way he could enjoy his wealth, and stay within traditional guidelines.

After much consideration, the elders suggested he build a magnificent throne. When he objected there was not enough room in his hut for a throne, the elders suggested he call in an engineer to solve the problem.

Soon, the king’s tiny hut was rigged with an elaborate system of ropes and pulleys. He could lower the huge throne for use during the day, and at night, he could haul the throne up, and lower his bed. This was truly the best of both worlds for the king.

Unfortunately, after a few months of constant use the ropes frayed, and one night, the throne slipped and came crashing down on the king, killing him.

The wise men of the island recognized a lesson in this experience and added to the lore of their people this statement: “People who live in grass houses should not stow thrones.”

 🙂



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